Money Mindset: Women Who Hate Their Husbands

WOMEN WHO HATE THEIR HUSBANDS....
… And why we need to address our Money Mindset {hint: it doesn’t even matter if you’re married}

I recently had my Ideal Customer described to me as “women who hate their husbands”. I was taken aback and, to be honest, really disappointed; the assumption being that, because I can understand the value of financial independence, to both my customer and me, we’re plotting an escape. Of course, aside from being hugely wide of the mark, this comment was made about women and I doubt the same would've been said if man had admitted his desire to have control over his finances.

The truth is though, women do tend to have a more complicated relationship with money than men and the connotations wrapped up in wanting and earning money have made it taboo. This has a major impact, not only on the likelihood of us starting and growing a business, but on our personal lives too. 

For instance, nearly two-thirds of women between ages 40 and 79 have experienced a major financial transition, yet a study carried out by UBS shows that 63% of women in the UK still admit to deferring to their husbands or male partner regarding long-term financial decisions. And it’s little wonder that these attitudes about women and money still pervade, given it was only in 1975 and the Sex Discrimination Act, that a British woman could open a bank account in her own name.

But, with business landscape changing and more women seeing the benefits of being a small business owner {the number of UK businesses currently owned by women at 32.37%, a significant shift from four years ago, when just 17% of founders were female.} it’s time we started to wrap our heads around what it means to have and make money, and start to shift that money mindset.

Money as a personal value

It’s definitely up there on my list of personal values today. I’d always been told, by those older and wiser, that it’s vital to have a source of financial independence and I made the same misjudgments - thanks to my mindset - and took this to be a comment about the pitfalls of romantic relationships. I missed the point.

Growing up I understood that having money was desirable to be ‘comfortable’, was aware of the social differences and while I came from an academically competitive background, that didn’t necessarily translate to money. Plus, while I wanted to work, in a family with male breadwinners it clearly didn’t matter to me particularly if I was in control. 

Then I had one of those big transitions.

Ten years ago, my husband and I had moved to his home country - where I didn’t have any connections and didn’t speak the language - and we set up a company together {because we wanted independence!} but when babies came along I had to take a step back. 

As so often happens when there’s a big shift in your life, like becoming a mum, I began to take stock, questioning who I was and what I was doing. The problem was, being so dependent on my partner, I struggled to know if I would choose my situation or if I had no choice. I kept asking myself ‘if money was no object, would you…’, but money was, is, important. Did I want to study, live in another country, have more children, take time off, start a business..? It was all dependent on finances and as a result, dependent on my husband.

In fact, there were things that needed changing and I’ve been fortunate that we’ve done that as a family. But I learnt that, for me, having financial independence isn’t about how much money you have, not trusting someone else for support or betrayal. It means I can see that I’ve chosen the life I’m leading, that it’s my responsibility, and that gives me autonomy and self worth.

The thing is, it’s not just appealing to be financially independent from your life partner. 

If you are currently working and thinking of setting up your own business or going self employed then, chances are, one of your personal values is having financial independence. 

To not be dependent on someone else’s business decisions means having control over your own income - what you charge, what is your goal, how much do you reinvest... which in turn impacts other areas like your job description, the hours you work, where you work… 

Perhaps for that reason it’s even more important that it’s in a woman's list of values? 

Afterall, 77% of women say they see money in terms of what it can do for their families - so want to contribute - but are also far more likely to take on carer responsibilities and have other commitments within the family which render a ‘9-5’ job impossible. 

Having your own business and, as a result, financial independence make sense. Because, being financially independent doesn’t just mean being in control, it means choice.

How to tackle your Money Mindset

So, if you accept financial independence as one of your values, how do you go about improving your relationship with money?

Here’s a few tips to help you see where you can make changes.

1 What’s your story?

Your narrative, the story you tell yourself about money, is learnt from your upbringing - beit at home or in your culture. But that doesn’t make it true. Have a good honest chat with yourself about how you think about money. What feelings does it conjure up when you imagine having a lot or having none? Who do you talk to about money? How well do you think you manage money? What does having money mean to you? How do you feel about other people having more money than you?

Now where would you like to be in relation to finances? How does this narrative support or damage your chances of achieving those goals?

2 It’s time to hit reset. 

Let go of the parts that aren’t helping you get to where you want to go and start moving forward with a new dialogue. There are lots of ways that you can retrain your brain, coaching {my favourite}, meditation, cognitive therapy, neurocoaching, affirmations... what works for one may not work for another so it’s worth exploring what you’re receptive to. 

For me I found it helpful to immerse myself in learning, listening to others talk about their journey; check out Jen Sincero - author of You are a Badass, Joy Foster - founder of TechPixies, and the NatWest Rose review for some stats which might make you think twice.

3 Mind your language

What are some of the phrases and words you use when talking about money? There’s a lot that we say subconsciously and just flows out when we hit on certain triggers. Maybe when you see something expensive you say “I can’t afford that”, or talk about ‘how the other half live’. Or maybe you’re immediately dismissive of things that appear expensive without weighing up what the value is in the long run? 

Try to write down your commonly used responses to money, the ones that are creating self limiting beliefs. Then either rewrite or expand on them for example saying “I can’t afford that… yet”. This is not about spending money you don’t have, it’s teaching you that having money, or not, is fluid and your ability to manage your financial situation is within your control.

4 Make a Plan

There are so many resources out there to teach and support you with your finances, there’s really no reason to be intimidated or feel incapable, but knowing where you stand and where you’re going will give you confidence. 

5 Invest in Yourself

This one can be particularly hard for women especially if you have a family as you’re probably not high on your list of priorities. But I’m not talking about frivolous spending. When you make the decision to invest in yourself - for learning, for your business - you begin to validate what you’re doing and it brings confidence. It also starts to show you that money moves in cycles; you give someone money to teach you a skill for example, then you need to charge others when you use that to serve them. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s a fair exchange!

I’m very much a work in progress and I understand that changing your attitudes towards money can be like turning a ship around! It’s also very hard to do on your own, these are probably long held beliefs - which is why I found it so helpful to hear other women's stories and I also got help from my own life coach. 

I do realise how vital it is to have a healthy relationship with money when you’re starting a business though, and would never expect anyone I work with to navigate this alone either, and that has been a part of wanting to integrate the coaching in the People solutions, so you can get the support you need to shift that Money Mindset!

Check out the Solutions